Parenting- how to balance restrictions and trust.

Parenting- how to balance restrictions and trust.

Parenting is not a new concept but it seems odd to many that a person can have a PHd in parenting these days. Given the importance of training one’s children properly, both for the secular world as well as the needs of an Islamic personality then learning about parenting becomes essential. But who knows better?

The famous adage that it takes a village to raise a child holds true. Many parents these days will tell you that for them to enjoy some good positive characteristics they display today are because of some tough love their parents and their neighbours imparted. While I don’t condone beating it’s not hidden that physical discipline was part of the routine!

Nowadays children are more open to society. As much as they know the rules of good behaviours and haram activities they are challenged by friends to cross those limits.

The Quran reminds us that parents have a trust when it comes to raising their children. It also reminds us that crossing those boundaries is a transgression in the eyes of Allah.

8:28 And know ye that your possessions and your progeny are but a trial; and that it is Allah with Whom lies your highest reward.


How do you ensure a balance.

2:187 Those are Limits (set by) Allah. Approach not nigh thereto. Thus doth Allah make clear His Signs to men: that they may learn self-restraint.

I conduct a weekly session with youths and issues. Our open talk and non judgmental attitude makes them ask the most intimate questions and allows others to debate the pros and cons. Sometimes it’s the listening that matters most than the reminder or the lecture.

The story of the youths during pre-Islamic period of Bani Israel is very telling. These were boys who were full at their game but were more conscious than many pious souls today. They believed in Allah and rejected the idol worship of the present day King. The result was devastating. It’s like what’s happening in the Arab Spring right now. They resisted through peaceful means. This is the concept that freed India from the clutches of British colonialism and was expounded by no other than Mahatma Gandhi- a student of Prophet Muhammad, on whom be peace.

Those in the above mentioned verse were believing youths of Bani Israel who took refuge in a cave and was followed by a dog. Later awoken to find they were hungry. After sending one of their companions to buy bread the others fell asleep again for good. The shop keeper realised that this coin is from that era some three hundred years go when the King reigned over the Believers. He was now living in a time where the Kind believed in God and the people didn’t. He so badly needed a proof. So the story of seven sleepers and the cave became his living proof that there is life after death and there is a living God!

18:13 We relate to thee their story in truth: they were youths who believed in their Lord, and We advanced them in guidance:

The vast majority of Muslims are youths- some 65% and parents must understand that children grow soon around age 12 to have a sense of autonomy and that is where being their friend is more important than being their boss! I met someone who said that her father told her after thirty years that he was wrong not to trust her judgement as to who to fall in love with. She suffered immensely because of his misjudgement!

This balance between trust and restriction is vital in training students and nurturing one’s children.

It’s the concept of Taqwa that the Quran refers to. Where you are conscious of Allah wherever you are, without need to feel you are policed constantly or having to report hour by hour! Inmates out on parole have to do that and even so they report maybe twice a week or are traced electronically but they are free to work, school and travel within certain boundaries and timings every day.

2:197 Whatever good ye do, (be sure) Allah knoweth it. And take a provision (With you) for the journey, but the best of provisions is right conduct. So fear Me, o ye that are wise.

The fundamental consciousness of morality and values is ingrained into a child’s psyche like a stone carved and ingrained from inception. Rain and sunshine, wind and snow do not destroy those writings. That is why until today we can read and understand hieroglyphics. Once a person knows how to swim or cycle they do not forget. I have met so many people who learnt Islam in childhood from their parents or from the madressa and then left Islam. However, at a later stage in life when they realised they need to go back to their roots and return to Allah these teachings were there to assist them. They did not forget the prayers or mannerisms and they talked proudly of the values and even defended those teachings in some of the most unbecoming places. I met one person such who lived in a foster home and then a half way house and later he lived in a shelter but throughout that time he recite sura fatiha and remembers how to make wudu. I recently read of man who was on the streets homeless. He had to share a sandwich one day with his partner. It was the last pennies available to get a meal. However, when he realised the sandwich was not a veggie burger but a bacon meal he refused his half. This act of self preservation even in such dire straits made is non-Muslim partner think about it for years after and this lead him into accepting Islam, when he became settled and successful in life. So the noor and light that Allah places in one’s heart out of Iman and Faith is dynamic. It lives through battles but nothing extinguishes it. This is the self responsibility I tell clients about, parents and students to hold true and young lovers to abide by.


9:32 Fain would they extinguish Allah's light with their mouths, but Allah will not allow but that His light should be perfected, even though the Unbelievers may detest (it).

Placing curfew timings on teenagers, placing passwords on computers and leaving computers in the open hall while checking cell phone bills and a host of other disciplinary restrictions do help. The fear of the law, the worry of traffic laws and the scare of police patrols all help to make people stay in line. But stricter the government smarter the population. If you will not allow for hiccups and violations there will be no need for courts, prisons and lawyers! Life is not a straight road. There are five fingers to the every hand. So God allows for these mistakes because he wants to forgive us. He wants to teach us forgiveness he wants to let us know what it means to love and hurt, be good and bad and what it means to be close to Him and far.

3:135 And those who, having done something to be ashamed of, or wronged their own souls, earnestly bring Allah to mind, and ask for forgiveness for their sins,- and who can forgive sins except Allah.- and are never obstinate in persisting knowingly in (the wrong) they have done.

I have seen men cry in prison and women weep in the pen. Why? One can repent anywhere. The heart can be touched anywhere and anytime. But penance and repentance is the objective of having a penitentiary. Here is where reflection and resolution happens. So don’t judge those that make mistakes. They have a life and heart too. And Allah is there for every one.

I was asked by one student about going out to his friends’ birthday party. His parents don’t want him to. He knows he will not drink alcohol and he knows that other parents will be there too. The views in my class differed immensely. It made me think that in life there is not one rule for every situation and not all Muslims think alike. It’s about self control and trusting your child now so that when he or she is way from you studying or living alone they will do the right thing. I wonder sometimes at parents who ask that I help finding a girl or boy for their grown ups. But these very parents while praising the beauty and character of their children will not allow them to see a potential suitor in public by themselves. They would not trust them to talk to someone equally conscious and self confident! This is the lack of balance.

24:62 Only those are believers, who believe in Allah and His Messenger. when they are with him on a matter requiring collective action, they do not depart until they have asked for his leave; those who ask for thy leave are those who believe in Allah and His Messenger. so when they ask for thy leave, for some business of theirs, give leave to those of them whom thou wilt, and ask Allah for their forgiveness: for Allah is Oft- Forgiving, Most Merciful.

There is no doubt that the environment is infectious and poisonous and these days it’s not physical but mental thanks to the internet access everywhere and rebellious thoughts. However, a person can be in Mecca and do bad things and a person can be in Georgetown and do pious things. It’s the matter of creating positive activities, alternative programs and cultures that answer to the social and entertainment values of our youths that is crucial. Whether these are educational debates or social networking events, excursions and or concerts of nasheeds they need to constantly create alternative so the boredom so much available in our youths is not exploited by evil doers. The power of the youth is immense- they made up a third of the Companions and they are the leaders of tomorrow. They can be trusted with the freedom to think and the power of faith or left to the dungeons of restrictions and fear only to suffer their self worth and self growth in the process. As Umar bin Khattab used to say I fear the person’s Islam who don’t experience Jahilliya! And as Khalil Gibran rightly put it you made them but not their minds! So trust in Allah and check on them!